Posts Tagged ‘Ghost’

Jerk on the shelf

December 18, 2013

I think the Elf on the Shelf is a product of Satan. There. I’ve said it.

I know, I know, the last thing this world needs is another Elf on the Shelf-hating blog, not when we already have the quintessential , gold standard from Jen at People I Want to Punch in the Throat:

Let’s face it- Jen made it ok for us to hate this f*cking Elf. A hatred for which I am, completely, on board.

Today, I read this other blog on Huffington Post about how the Elf has- LITERALLY- ruined Christmas for his family due to his daughter being completely heartbroken over the departure of the Elf . The kid was on a crying jag until mid-January!

crying kid

The Elf on the shelf, if you live under a rock or shun all commercialism (and who could blame you), is a
Elf doll that you buy for approximately$30… and this thing terrorizes your kids for the Holiday Season.

elf on the shelf box

You can get an Elf that is gender specific and suitable to your race or ethnic background… Megan Kelly will, undoubtedly, oppose this concept.

The concept of an elf, either on or off a shelf, is not a new one. There are reports of little Elf dolls in the 60’s and even earlier.

elf from the 40
Before they were dicks

They would “come to visit” for Christmas and they would return year after year.  But they didn’t overstay their welcome, they didn’t rat you out to Santa and they didn’t create mayhem.

The Elf of today is a creepy little jerk. He has big eyes who are always eye-balling you. Long- probably- FAKE eyelashes.

elf face

Rosy cheeks and a smug grin. This little bastard is ripe for a beating.

I don’t have kids, so I guess I must be “missing the magic.” For me, it seems this Elf is just a major pain in the ass.

Let’s review the rules, which, I admit, I wasn’t entirely familiar before doing my research, but have since made me hate his guts even more.

Rule #1- The Elf’s main job is to monitor the behavior of the family rug rats. (Stalker)
Rule #2- The Elf flies back to the North Pole every night to make his report to Santa Claus. The Elf reports when the kid has been bad. (Narc)
Rule #3- The Elf stays in your house from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve. (Freeloader)
Rule #4- The children cannot touch The Elf or speak directly to the Elf. (Diva)
Rule #5- If The Elf is touched, the Christmas magic will be completely erased from the Elf. (Drama Queen)
Rule # 6- The Elf’s position has to be changed every day. (High Maintenance)

As an added bonus, although, not really a RULE… The Elf is encouraged to “get into mischief” overnight. Because flying to the North Pole EVERYNIGHT doesn’t fill up this little jackhole’s time, The Elf has to mess up stuff in your house because… IT’S FUN!!!

I have a few problems with the whole Elf scam.
1) At the holidays, arguably, the busiest time of the year, this Elf heaps additional work on parents. And let’s face it- it’s probably the Mom who has to do all of the Elf moving, etc.

 2) Kids get attached to stuff. The fact that my nephew spends the ENTIRE YEAR reenacting The Grinch- stealing everyone’s stuff, and taking “the last can of Who-Hash” indicates kids do not let anything go. So when The Elf has to “leave,” they get pissed, which in turn makes the parents pissed or feel like crap and someone could end up getting a spanking.

 3) It’s really great to illustrate to kids, who are supposed to be on their best behavior, that it’s OK for The Elf to, you know, knock over the plant , get a BJ from Barbie or wrap your toilet in wrapping paper. Way to be a role model, Elf.

wraping Toilet
Ain’t nobody got time for that

 4) The amount of work / stress The Elf creates for parents to come up with some kind of activity for The Elf to do. It’s hard enough to keep your kids busy on a snow day.

 5) The guilt and panic The Elf creates when the parents forget to move this little jerk overnight. I can’t tell you how many Facebook posts I see of “Oh crap, I forgot to move Chippy last night! I’m the worse Mom!!!” F*ck Chippy- tell that little jerk to get off his lazy ass and move himself.

But here is my biggest problem with The Elf. He’s an unnecessary middle-man.

Why does Santa need a middle man or a proxy? A $30, work-creating, judgmental, guilt-inducing proxy, I might add.

This guy normally has things covered, no?

As the song goes “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good… “

Why do we need this Elf? Why is Santa no longer enough of a threat?!?!?

Growing up, when we misbehaved my mother would spit, through clenched teeth “Santa Claus is watching you.”

mother  clenched teeth
Santa Claus is going to beat your ass when we get home

Hello??!!? This statement in and of itself is creepy enough to have had me checking under my bed before going to sleep.

I recently posted a comment on a friend’s Facebook status about The Elf on the Shelf that “Why is Santa Claus no longer enough of a threat?”

One of her friends commented “IT’S NOT A THREAT! IT’S SOMETHING FUN TO DO WITH YOUR CHILD!!!” Yes, I can see by your aggressive, angry typing that you are having a LOT of fun, lady! Hahaha

abusing peeps
Creepin’ on your Easter Candy

Suggestive Horseplay with Fruit

cutting off fingers
He’ll cut a bitch

drinking irresponsibly
Did anyone check his ID?

encouraging knife play
Encouraging Knife-Play

Making a Mess

get out your glud gun
Get out your glue gun, this jerk needs a house

Reenacting Timeless Hollywood Films

mocking jesus
Teaching Jesus Yoga

mocking the boy in the plastic bubble
Mocking The Boy in the Plastic Bubble

over indulging
Irresponsible Drinking

Mmmm, can’t get enough feces in my cookies

stealing your stash
Bogarting Your Stash

violating hr rules
Violating HR Policies

wasting marshmallow
Wasting Marshmallows

who you calling ho ho
Who you calling Ho, Ho?

Hit it and Quit it

man posing as Elf
My all-time favorite “Elf” related picture

So this is my two cents on that creepy little f-er. He must be stopped.

Let’s get back to the things that matter at Christmas time: cookies and booze.

Happy Holidays!! xo


%d bloggers like this: