Audition Piece, Round 1 Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 4 Premiere

Welcome back to New Jersey, the land of disbelief!!

In preparation for the not-so-long anticipated premiere of RHONJ Season Four, I watched a few episodes of Season 3 to refresh my memory. And I’m glad I did, because, apparently, I had suffered a bout of PTSD and had blocked most of Season 3 out. After watching the Reunion, I need some mental brillo.
But here is where we left off:

Ashley has changed her name to Ashlee. Because that “e” changes everything.

Teresa had her ghostwriter write another cookbook for her, and included some catty insults to her “friends” and those tethered to her by DNA, aka “family.” But Teresa is” kiddddddding, it’s a joke, get it? Nope. Sorry, I don’t get it. She says that everyone says she’s “like Lucille Ball.” Blasphemy! Lucille Ball was a genius. Teresa is an idiot. And, most likely, has a chimpanzee in her not- so-distant heritage.

We learned at the Reunion that everyone is lying, except Teresa. The word “unattended” makes Teresa very mad, she has been “distanting” herself from the rest of the group and that she has fueled some kind of divide between Caroline and her sister, Dina, for which Caroline is holding Teresa responsible. Caroline talks to 8 of her 10 siblings, all things considered, those odds aren’t too bad. Jacqueline couldn’t stomach coming to the reunion. Melissa copies everything that Teresa does and Kathy is a bad cousin.

The premier of Season 4 begins with a recap of the hijinx of Season 3- including, but not limited to: The Christening Mêlée, The Gorga/ Guidice Feud, Teresa fighting with everyone, Ashlee the uber-brat, Milania or Mussolania as I like to call her, carving a swath of terror across The Garden State and the unveiling of THE COOKBOOK.

With every season opener, we are treated to new Cast introductions and this year… it sounds like everyone is ready to “go to the mattresses.”

Caroline: “Life is short, I have no time for drama.”

Melissa: “I never throw the first punch, but I’m always a knock-out.”

Teresa: “When times get tough, you know who your real friends are.” (which I can’t say I disagree with)

Jacqueline: “I’m a Vegas girl, I WILL call your bluff.”

Kathy: “We’re old school. We believe in RESPECT.”

Episode Title: High Tide, Low Blow

Oh look, it’s Summer, and we are having a party! And Kathy is on the hookah!! Is whipping out a hookah, to celebrate summer, normal? It was one thing to hookah out at a Middle Eastern restaurant, but that appears to be a hookah they own. Well I guess a hookah says summer as much as an inflatable mechanical bull says Thanksgiving… Everyone is happy, and Rosie (seriously, we need a LOT more Rosie) is mixing drinks, and Kathy comments that it’s a “new beginning.” Which, of course, translates to: we need to talk about the past and in particular: THE COOKBOOK.

Everyone asks Kathy if her beautiful food came from Teresa’s cookbook. Kathy responds- “No, I don’t need a cookbook…” and I believe her. Melissa believes that Teresa is just feeling threatened by her as she wrote in her book that her “Baby sister-in-law copies everything” she does. Well, not everything- The Gorgas haven’t filed for bankruptcy and aren’t being sued for fraud and they aren’t on the verge of going to JAIL. Joe doesn’t know about the insults in the cookbook, and that is probably for the best. “You can’t pick your family.” Amen, sister.

Joe Gorga says “Teresa needs to be real to come home. When someone is secure, they don’t worry about ‘the other side.’ Teresa is unhappy and misery loves company.” Astute observation…from a man who refers to his junk as “Tarzan” but I digress… Rosie isn’t so understanding. Directed to Teresa she says “I’m going to rip your heart out and eat it!” Maybe there’s a recipe for that in Teresa’s new cookbook.

The scene shifts to Jacqueline’s house- and it’s an All Manzos on Deck Situation. Jacqs explains that Caroline is hurt by the book, and she thinks that Teresa lacks loyalty. Jacqs and Chris are at the end of their rope with Ashley Ashlee. That is some LONG rope. I would have bounced Ashley Ashlee out in Season 1. We learn that Ashley Ashlee is now platinum blond and covered in tattoos. Chris, ever the observer thinks that Ashley Ashlee is just looking for attention. Because being on national television week after week isn’t garnering her enough attention.

Oh look! Here come the Guidices!! Teresa doesn’t want her comments in the cookbook to “turn into a huge problem.” Um. Too late. Teresa wants to talk to Caroline. I hope she hid a gun behind the toilet because” sit downs” with Caroline usually don’t end well. Teresa maintains that she didn’t insult Caroline, and it was all a joke!! But she “apologizes” saying “If you were hurt by it, I apologize.” Which, by the way, is a NON-apology: I’m not sorry for what I did. And I’m not sorry I hurt you- the fault is on Caroline for being hurt.

Caroline, calmly, says “I stuck by you. What you wrote was wrong.” Teresa was very nervous and even made Caroline “feel” her heartbeat. (Which I’m sure Miss Andy Cohen will try to accuse them of trying to take a dip in the “Lady Pond. Shame on you Miss Andy!) Caroline takes issue with Teresa saying that a mother shouldn’t be proud of her son trying to make a living off of a strip bar/ car wash. Teresa spins it by saying that she meant that she didn’t want HER children working at a strip carwash. I should hope not as they are all under age 11. Say what you will, but at least working in a strip bar/car wash is an honest living… not like, oh, I don’t know, committing fraud?!?! Allegedly.

Caroline suggests to Teresa that the others mentioned in the book might be hurt as well, and that, maybe, Teresa might feel threatened by Melissa. Well Teets didn’t take too kindly to that suggestion and maintains that she stands by what she wrote in her book because that’s how she felt at the time. In the words of the great philosopher Tamra Barney, “You can’t argue with stupid.!”

Teets presents Caroline with a cookbook, the literary equivalent of a burning bag of dog crap, and Caroline states that she just wants to move on. Teresa hugs Caroline and says “I love you.” To which Caroline does not respond (Go Caroline!!) Teets calls her out on not saying it back and Caroline deadpans “I don’t say it back.” Teets calls her a bitch. Sounds like they are moving on, doesn’t it?

COMMERCIAL

We are treated to a little montage of all of the gals getting packed and ready to go “down the shore!!” (Translation: they are preparing to travel southward to the New Jersey Shoreline.)

Melissa is packing bathing suits while Joe Gorga is trying to potty train Gino. After potty trading Joe starts his usual panty sniffing, etc. He’s like a cat in heat.

Kathy and Richie are also heading to the short and Rich finds “enhancement gel” and Kathy tells him to put it in the luggage. Kath tells him to “Stick it deep- stick it DEEP in.” Uh huh. His thoughts exactly. Kathy pleads with Richie to either be extra nice to the Guidices or to stay away. Well really… which would you choose? Run Richie RUN!!!!

Teets and Juicy are getting ready for the beach, and Teresa laments that it’s been a tough year. What with Juicy getting arrested and all. Yes, that DOES tend to put a damper on things, doesn’t it? Meanwhile “Switched at Birth” and Mussolania are fighting over an ipod touch. Seriously, they can afford an ipod touch? For their 5 and 7 year olds? Aren’t they, like, 11 million dollars in debt???

Shift to Casa Laurita and we feast our eyes on it: Ashley Ashlee! Omg- wtf happened to her??? She is, indeed, now platinum blonde, which, actually, looks better than I expected. Well, better, in that it wasn’t a bang-up mess of black roots- it doesn’t actually look good. But what is on her face? I think she got Tamra Barney’s discarded breast implants stapled to her face. Wow- where did she find her Doctor? http://www.iflunkedoutofplasticsurgeryschool.com?

Ashley Ashlee is attempting to operate a vacuum. Unsuccessfully, I might add. But that’s ok, she asks her 6 yr old brother for help. Perhaps they should have started her on something simpler… like a broom or a feather duster. Not that I’m confident she could master either of these, but we all have to start somewhere.

Ding Dong! Jacqueline’s life coach is here! I’ll nutshell it for you.
Ashley Ashlee is a free-loader.
Ashley Ashlee is not working.
• Jacqs is tired of fighting with her
• She calls them DRUNK from NYC needing a ride home. (Well, at least she’s not driving drunk… but if she can’t operate a vacuum sober, one can’t hold out much hope for a car when inebriated.)

Jacqueline is crying because Ashley Ashlee still doesn’t “get it.” The life coach says that Ashlee has to “spread her wings” which is code for “kick her ass out.”

Cut to Melissa and Joe. Melissa tells Joe that Teets and Co will be at the shore. Joe is NOT happy to hear this. Melissa prods as to why (other than the obvious: T and Co are vomitous)? Joe tells Melissa that Teresa told him, if a richer man came along, Melissa would leave Joe. Whoa. Melissa is FIRED UP and she wishes Joe had not told her that information. She is hurt by what Teresa said, but she will choose to let it go because she doesn’t want to go back to that bad place. As opposed to the GLORIOUS place they are currently.

COMMERCIAL

Teresa and Juicy are all packed up and ready to hit the road. Teresa is driving, uh umm, because Juicy only has his BROTHER’S driver’s license… .And she wants a kiss from the grouchy gorilla! He declines. She tells the girls that her book is a best seller! Mussolania responds “WHATEVER!!” (haha, I love the pint-size tyrant.) Teresa asks Juicy what he did in Atlantic City? (For a guy who is 11million in debt, Atlantic City may not be the best place for him. Just saying.) Juicy grunts something about girls- he was with this girl and that girl, and there were these other girls. Teresa gives him the major stink-eye, and even” G to the IA” pipes up and wants to know “Why are you talking about girls?” Juicy tells Gia to “Shut up.” Can you imagine what this animal says when the cameras aren’t on?

Speaking of sick… Caroline visits a Doctor for her migraine headaches. His name is Dr. Dov Rand, which has to be a fake name. That’s a total romance novel name. Dr. Dov asks Caroline what’s troubling her. Oh boy… let’s get out the list. But Caroline indicates that she lacks patience, has mood swings, her mind is moving too fast. Wait. That sounds like my list. Dr. Dov asks if she has any issues with her libido?? Caroline says “No.” Dr. Dov thinks Caroline may be heading toward menopause. Caroline asks if it could be stress? The Doc sugar-coats it for her, “You are getting old.” Caroline queries what she can do to remove stress. Doc says “Consider new friends.” Ba-dum-bum.

The Guidices arrive at the shore house, and Juicy has unloaded some rolled up crap he tied to the roof of the car. And by unloaded , I mean, he’s thrown it on the driveway in a big messy pile. Is it a tent? Did the bankruptcy court take their shore house and they are sleeping in a shore tent?? Mussolania is screaming- and not AT someone for once. She is screaming that there is a RAT in the pile of crap. Juicy indicates that it is a mouse and the mouse has shredded the tent or tarp or whatever it is.

The Gorgas arrive at their shore house… at least I think it’s going to be a house someday. It is, currently, a construction zone. A MAJOR construction zone. Joe tells Melissa that he’s having some special insulation blown in so no one can hear Mommy and Daddy and their “Gorgasms.” Melissa thought she was coming to an “almost finished” house and makes it clear that Joe is not going to be releasing any “poison” this weekend. The Gorgas decide to high tail it over to The Wakile’s shore house!

Juicy is working out with 3lb dumbbells and Teresa wants to talk to him. She is worried about Gia as she is old enough to read magazine covers. And she is worried about the possibility of Juicy going to jail. Juicy response “Whatever happens, happens.” And “it’s part of life! This is the life you chose!” I’m sorry, but JAIL is not just a part of life. At least not a part of a normal person’s life. Gia has read that Juicy is cheating on T. Juicy says “That’s old news!” Teresa tells Juicy that she loves him, and his response is “Whatever.”

Over at the Wakile’s the family is discussing seeing the Guidices the next day. They rehash all of Juicy’s (alleged) “crimes” and the possibility of him spending some time in the clink. Joe Gorga tells everyone that if Juicy went away he would stand by Teresa. He would be there every week, cutting her a check and taking care of things. But Joe Gorga isn’t loyal to his sister, right?

Rosie says that Teresa should have married someone more like Joe Gorga. She then indicates that she’s never had a problem with Teresa, and that’s probably because Teresa isn’t threatened by Rosie. T is thin, Rosie is chubby. T has long, flowing hair, and Rosie has short hair. T lives in a BIG, glamorous mansion and Rosie lives with her mother!! (I demand more Rosie)

COMMERICIAL

At the beach, Joe Gorga sits with Teresa and he tells her that he has read In Touch Magazine…. Teresa doesn’t want to talk about it. Joe tells T that he’ll be there for her should anything happen. Teresa defensively accuses Joe of NOT being there for her when Juicy went to jail for a week, because he didn’t call during that week. Joe tells her that she shut him down when he tried to talk to her about the bankruptcy and that’s why he didn’t call when Juicy was in the hoosegow. Joe brings up a time when Teresa and Juicy asked him for $25,000- and Joe showed up THAT day with a check. Of course, Teresa doesn’t want to rehash that! So Joe asks Teresa to explain why she said that Melissa would leave him if a richer man came along. Teresa says “I heard rumors.” Joe says “Bottom line, if Joe goes away, I will be there. This is the first step.”

Ohhhh, things are heating up at the Jacq and Chris’s… Ashley Ashlee is on the phone and Chris tells her to come downstairs. And to sit down. Uncle Tom and Aunt Mary have been paid agreed to take Ashley Ashlee in- they live in Las Vegas. Chris tells her she either goes to Las Vegas tomorrow or she is done and is being kicked out of the house. After some protest, Ashley Ashlee knows that the jig is up and agrees… but she is pissed because she has to cancel her plans. She was totally going to sleep late and do nothing tomorrow!!!!!

End of Episode.

This Season on RHONJ:
• Teresa wrote a cookbook.
• Joe Gorga may or may not be gay (allegedly)
• The Golden Gate Bridge is not made of Gold.
• Some guy accuses Melissa being a dancer in her younger years. Well… we sure know she wasn’t a singer.

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