The Dude and Babe Show

I am the person that always encounters “these” people, somehow God has smiled upon me. I am truly blessed.

Due to a meeting-filled day at work, I had missed lunch. And with Tony back at work he doesn’t get home until around 7pm, I wasn’t sure I would be able to wait for him to get home- I was starvin’ marvin. And being that we have no food in the house, I decided to stop at “Subway” on my way home.

There are a couple of “Subways” near my house and I went to the one with the parking lot least likely to make me want to commit suicide…or homicide.

I entered, and thought, for a brief second, this might not be excruciatingly painful, of course, I was wrong. There was one couple in front of me, otherwise the store was empty, except for two workers. The couple consisted of: a, late forties, Latino-hippie woman (hereafter referred to as “Babe”) with a “Dude” (hereafter referred to as “Dude”).

The “Dude” was about 50 years old and was one of those guys…how can I put this? Ok, he was a Saskwatch. There, I’ve said it. A LOT of hair everywhere. Salt and pepper up top- in a sort of, “I’ve been in a coma for the past 6 months” style, hairy, stubbly face, ear hair that resembled ear muffs, eyebrows like Abe Vigoda, super-hairy arms, he looked like he was wearing mittens and even had hair creeping up beyond the collar of sweater. You know the whole picture was a hot-wooly-mess.

His arms were heavily tattooed. I understand wanting tats and understand people getting “sleeves.” But, when you are hairier than Chewbacca, what’s the point? He had a Hairy Hula Girl, a Hairy Crucifix, a Hairy Anchor…you get the picture.

I really think this guy had never been into a “Subway” before. He was totally clueless. My guess is that his hippie wife probably does everything for him so he is incapable of making a decision.

His wife had apparently ordered some sandwiches- there were 5 in total. All meatball parm subs. Whatever. “Subway” is fine, but there are, easily 8 places that make a better meatball sub within a stone’s throw of our location. Maybe they are from out of town.

(Note: From here forward, the “Subway worker” will be referred to as “Worker.”)

There were three subs on the board and the “Subway” worker said
“What kind of cheese would you like?”
Wait, I think what he actually said was:
“Cheese?”

The Dude just stood there, cluelessly looking around, not recognizing that a question was, indeed, in play.

Worker: “Cheese?”
Worker: “Cheese?”
Worker: “Cheese?”

Finally after the fourth time, the worker said “SIR, cheese?”
Dude: “Babe? Cheese?”
Babe: “Yes”
Dude: “Yes”
And the worker said “What kind?”
Dude: “Babe? What kind?”
Babe: “What kind do they have?”
Dude: “What kind do you have?”

Not for nothing, the signage in Subway is more than adequate. They have the “Pick your bread” sign, “Pick your Meat” sign, etc. So the cheeses are listed for him. But the worker kindly listed them for him.
Dude: “Huh?”
The cheeses were repeated and the Dude said: “Babe? What kind of cheese?”
Babe: “Provolone.”

The worker next asked “Do you want other toppings?”
Dude: “Huh?”
Worker: “Do you want other toppings?”
Dude: “Other toppings?”
Worker: “Anything else on top of the sandwich?”
Dude: “Like what?”
Worker: “Lettuce, tomato? Anything you see here…”
Dude: “Babe? Other toppings?”
Babe: “Lettuce and Tomato on two.”
Dude: “Lettuce and Tomato on two.”

Lettuce and tomato on Meatball Parm? Again, whatever. Maybe they are from out of town… or even another planet seems reasonable, at this point.) Babe did not seem aggravated or phased in the least by this constant questioning, which leads me to believe this is just the way The Dude and Babe roll.

I follow “Clueless Hairy Dude” down the line and he pays for the whole shebang. I guess he got “Combos” that include a drink and chips. Hello? Babe is just asking for trouble.

Dude: “Babe? Are these three sandwiches ours?”
Babe: “There should be five.”
Dude: “Babe? These three?”
Babe: “There should be five.
Dude: “Babe? These two?” (That’s five total, Dude, and btw, there are only 5 sandwiches on the counter.)
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “Babe? These?”
Babe: “Yes- and get drinks.”
Dude: “Babe? Drinks?”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “Babe? Drinks?”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “What sizes do you have?” ( Note: he has already paid for Medium drinks.)
Worker: “Small, Medium and Large, but you get Medium drinks with your combos.”

(Hello? What to Christ sizes does he *think* they have? Miniscule, Tiny, Gigundant and Trough? This isn’t Starbucks, where they have code names for Small, Medium and Large.
~Seriously, what is that crap? I guess they want to make you feel “special” when they take your $4 for a shot of coffee.~

But I digress.

Dude: “Babe? What size?”
Babe: “Medium”
Dude: “Babe? Medium?
Babe: “Yes”
Dude: “Medium.”
Dude: “Babe? How many?”
Babe: “Five.”
Dude: “Babe? Three?
Babe: “Five.”
Dude: “Babe? Two?”
Babe: “Five.”
Dude: “Babe? Five?”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “Where are the cups?”

(SIR! THEY ARE, LITERALLY, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!! The cups are in front of the register he is standing at in slots on the TOP of the counter that he is leaning against.”)

Worker: “The cups are right here.”
Dude: “Huh?”
Worker: “The cups are right here.”
Dude: “Where are the medium?”
Worker: “Right here, Sir.”
Dude: “I need five.”
Worker: “Ok, you can take five medium cups.”

Dude takes three large cups.

Babe: “Get chips.”
Worker: “Chips come with your combo.”
Dude: “Babe? Chips?”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “Babe? What kind?
Babe: “Plain.”
Dude: “Babe? Plain?”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “Babe? How many?”
Babe: “Five.” (Five sandwich combos = Five chips)
Dude: “Babe? Three?”
Babe: “Five.”
Dude: “Babe? Two?”
Babe: “Five.”
Dude: “Babe? Five??”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “I need five plain chips.”
Worker: “Ok, they are included with your combos.”
Dude: “Babe? They are included?”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “Where are they?”
Worker: (pointing to the huge display of chips directly at The Dude’s left elbow) “Right here, Sir.”
Dude: “Ok, where are the plain?”
Worker: “Right here, Sir.” (pointing to two full rows of plain chips)

The Dude takes 3 bags of chips. 1 plain and 2 bbq.

My sandwich, nearly covered in mold and fungus by this point, was ready (So much for “Subway…Eat Fresh.”) As much as I wanted to stay and further witness “The Dude and Babe Show,” I had to leave before The Dude started to try to figure out how to get out of the parking lot.

Dude: “Babe? Drive?”
Babe: “Reverse”
Dude: “Babe? Neutral?”
Babe: “Reverse.”
Dude: “Babe? Reverse?”
Babe: “Yes.”
Dude: “Babe? What next?
Babe: “Turn wheel…”
Dude: “Babe? Turn?”

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8 Responses to “The Dude and Babe Show”

  1. Chris Says:

    Fab! I love your blogs, but one earlier is a lil bit incorrect! 😉 cx

  2. Grace G-R Says:

    Sounds like they came from the south. Did you check the parking lot for a bike – no wait it would have been a Scooby Do van with flowers (maybe hairy bumpers too)

  3. Kim C. Says:

    I once went on a date with a hairy guy. It was a hot summer night and we went to get ice-cream. I couldn’t eat mine because the hair tufting up from the back of his shirt and creeping out from under his short sleeves made me lose my appetite. The date was over when he asked me if I wanted to go swimming.

    He wasn’t dumb as a rock though.

    And people like that have children…

  4. Linda Says:

    I’m sitting in my cube laughing so much, I’m drawing a crowd.

  5. rin Says:

    Y’all should pick up from here with some fan-fiction… y’know, like Babe and Dude Tackle AutoZone, or Babe Dies, Dude Still Clueless (subtitled: Don’t Panic, Gentle Reader– Babe Left Note: “Breathe In, Breathe Out. Repeat.”)

  6. Lisa Says:

    Man – you have the patience of a saint! I would have either pummeled Babe and Dude or said something really nasty and walked out. You truly deserve a star named after you.
    ps God loves stupid people… he keeps making more of them.

  7. Cindy Says:

    Just when you think you already know the dumbest person in the world, someone tops it. Awesome, dude.

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