The Hot Tub

Monday, February 2, 2009

My friend Jeff, we’ll call him “Hillbillie” for short- introduced us to this “game” called Hot Tub. I guess it’s not so much a game as it is a source of conversations / laughter/ mockery.

The premise is, you have to select 5 people to put in your “Hot Tub.” You can’t know them- so you can’t pick your husband or your wife, blah, blah, blah (and if you even wanted to you should be banished from the Hot Tub area immediately!!! It’s fantasy, people, play along!). So, you are, pretty much, left with celebrities or people of note because you aren’t just going to select some person at random that you don’t know… like the guy who services your furnace.
Especially, if he looks like our guy. Let’s just say- the butt-crack showing is still a fashion trend amongst repairmen.

Ok, so there are 5 people. You can select a time when you want them in your hot tub. For example, a coworker of mine has selected “Rod Stewart in the green satin pants” or “Thelma and Louise Brad Pitt.” They can be dead or alive, clothed or naked (yes, my father asked for clarification). Oh, and you get 1 alternate too. So 5 people + 1 alternate should someone not live up to your expectation or gets called away on some kind of emergency.

I have also added “a lifeguard” to mine- you know, someone to hand out the towels and makes sure no one gets hurt. (I say the Life Guard CAN be someone you know- and mine is the young, 24 yr old kid I work with who is very yummy. I’m sure he thinks I’m a total hag. But anyway, he’s my Life Guard, whether he likes it or not!)

So here’s my lineup:
1) Jason Hawes (the bald dude from Ghost Hunters)
2) Jason Bateman
3) The Clooney
4) Hugh Grant
5) Colin Firth
Alt. Tom Colicchio (chef)
Life Guard: my sweet, little cupcake

Ok, so that’s my line-up. Mock, if you like, but it’s MY hot tub and I would never mock YOUR hot tub. (who am I kidding, of course I would)

So I told my father he had to make a hot tub. He’s 78 and normally just shakes his head in disappointment and disbelief whenever I tell him anything, but for some reason- a hot tub seemed to intrigue him. He wound up calling my sister with his list, which is a testament to how OLD he is- he couldn’t remember which kid asked him for this Hot Tub thing. But anyway, my sister immediately relayed the JUICY TIDBIT THAT IS MY FATHER’S HOT TUB to me.

Ok, get ready, because it’s a good one.

1) Annie Potts (I knew she’d be in there, she reminds him of my late mother)
2) Laura Bush
3) Sarah Palin (stop laughing)
4) Linda Grey (Sue Ellen from Dallas)
5) Martina McBride

Put the best part…. his alternate:
Alt: Michael Phelps’s Mom

Ha Ha Ha Ha Sometimes my Dad hits one out of the park, what can I tell you?

So some people come up with their lists very quickly- some people work on it for MONTHS. The Hillbillie had an open spot for MONTHS, that he couldn’t fill and then he filled it with Helen Hunt and was so proud of that fact that he texted me to tell me… He wasn’t too proud when I got done with him and told him that he couldn’t have Helen Hunt because I hate her and think she’s a total slag. He’s back to the drawing board, apparently MY opinion counts when it comes to his hot tub.

So my Husband, Tony, his Hot Tub is an ever-changing, constantly shifting pool of abomination. I think his is up to 12 people. (What does that say about me??? Maybe I should focus in on him a little, ya think?) Here are some of the highlights:

Tbone’s Hot Tub:
1) Morgan Fairchild (she’s his free pass- if he ever ran into her on the street and she wanted to sleep with him- he’s allowed. She’s also old enough to be his mother.)
2) Sandra Bullock
3) Debra Messing
4) Cyndi Lauper
5) Betty White, that hot, filthy minx
6) Vanessa Williams
7) Maria Sharapova
Alt: Elizabeth Hurley

Ok, 8- I said 12 – you should know I have a tendency to exaggerate.

My brother in law has this crazy hot tub- filled with the Channel 7 Eyewitness News Team. A dude I work with has porn stars and random sluts. But that’s the point. It’s YOUR hot tub and you can fill it with whoever you want. It’s not a task to be taken lightly- it could take you months or years.

So tell me, who is in your hot tub?


3 Responses to “The Hot Tub”

  1. Sandy Says:

    My 5…(ok…it’s 6 now)
    1-3) the Ocean’s crew: George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon for obvious reasons
    4) Matthew McConaughey (but he has to wear board shots and jump out of the tub every so often and do push-ups)
    5) Dane Cook (to keep me entertained with sexual comedy)
    6) David Beckham (he doesn’t even need to talk…I just want to look at him and all of his sexy tattoos)
    Alternate: Tim McGraw (cuz there should always be a cowboy in the mix)
    Life Guard: Zach Efron (he needs to be a little older so he makes a perfect lifeguard)

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