Kim Chee Surprise

Monday, March 2, 2009

As far as Coco stories go… I have a million of them. Let me start by saying that Coco is a LEGEND. She’s freakin’ COMEDY GOLD, 24/7. If you don’t know her, or at least know OF her, you are missing out, kid.

The beauty of Coco is that she’s not even trying to be funny, she just is. She is one of these people with a very droll sense of humor. Oh, and I should mention- she lives in an Alternate Universe. We call it “The Alt.”

Life in “The Alt” has very little correlation with ACTUAL time in THIS universe. Perfect example- Coco moved to California – close to 10 years ago- in fact, it probably IS more than 10 years ago. And she was packing up her apartment in Queens. She left work about 2 weeks prior to when the moving van was coming to pick up her stuff. In theory- in THIS universe- that should be plenty of time to pack up a 1 bedroom apartment. No? 2 days before the moving van came, I was on the phone with Coco- probably in the middle of the night (which equates to early evening in the ALT) and I asked Coco “Are you done packing?” And she said “No.” And I said- “Oh, you don’t have much time left.” And Coco says “I’m making Mix Tapes.” Perfectly reasonable thing to be doing 2 days before a cross country move… if you are driving… but Coco was FLYING to Cali. But in the Alt- why wouldn’t you be making Mix Tapes two days before you move?

One night, Coco was in town visiting from The Alternate Universe and she and I were going to go out for dinner in NYC, and then on to see a band called “Vector Chicken.” One of the guys in the band was the copier repair guy or something at Coco’s office and he had invited Coco. So I met Coco at her house in Queens and Coco drove us into the City.

Coco chose an Asian restaurant in Soho called “Kelly & Ping.” I had had takeout from there previously and it was good. We waited for a table and then sat down and ordered. Coco ordered the obligatory Scallion Pancakes- which are pretty much a staple whenever and wherever we dine together. And then she ordered- I believe it was (bear with me, it was 10 years ago) Bul Ko Ki and I think Pad Thai. Pad Thai- totally innocuous- and no explanation necessary. The Bul Ko Ki is a marinated and cooked beef. What could possibly be wrong with that?

So the Bul Ko Ki arrives and honestly, it was a plate of stuff that all looked the same. It was also a “low lighting situation” so I’m sure that added to things. So the plate was between us and Coco spooned a helping on to her plate and I did the same. So Coco begins to enjoy her Bul Ko Ki and I take a bite. Ok… yuck, Kim Chee. (If you don’t know what Kim Chee is- it’s a pickled cabbage- or a marinated cabbage. A lot of people LOVE Kim Chee- the Kim Chee at Kelly & Ping… not my favorite. It was overpoweringly spicy – which I like spice- but you couldn’t taste anything but HOT.) I take another bite- ugh, more Kim Chee. Again- more Kim Chee. Apparently, I got the Kim Chee side of the plate. But by the time I realized that it was separated on the plate (although it all LOOKED the same), Coco had eaten ALL of the beef… apparently the tasty part of the plate. In Coco’s defense, it wasn’t like she just hogged all the beef- the plate was set up in a deceiving manner. So I ate all of this friggin’ Kim Chee… and boy did I pay.

Coco and I made our way over to where “Vector Chicken” was playing. Firstly, I think it was $20 to get in and the beers were, of course, completely overpriced.

We took our seats in the second or third row. And “Vector Chicken” started to play. And I use the word “PLAY” loosely. It was not good.

The drummer was this portly, red-headed guy (ahem, not that I have anything against portly red heads…). He had a wooly beard and a hairdon’t. (Some people have hairdo’s, some have hairdon’ts.) He was, obviously, in the midst of some freakish indecision about his hair. It was that in-between length, not clean cut and not long. And it was big, large… GARGANTUAN, I might even say.

I leaned over to Coco and said “My god, I want to tie him down and cut his hair off.” And Coco replied “I want to tie him down and cut his HANDS off!!”

And then… the beer kicked in. I don’t know about you, but when I drink beer, I have to burp. So I did… and with it came the taste, and smell of KIM CHEE. Pickled, spicy, foul, undigested Kim Chee. Luckily, it was loud and crowded, and I HOPED no one smelled it.

So finally after several more beers “Vector Chicken” ended their set. And we got out of there. However, I still had the burping issue. So we were driving back to The Queens, and I Kim Chee Burped… in an enclosed automobile- and it was RANK. Coco made no haste and opened the windows and made the following rule: “No burping unless the windows are open.” Fair enough.

Shortly thereafter- KIM CHEE BURP the sequel. New rule: “No burping unless the windows are open and the car is moving.” Again- who can argue?

Again: KIM CHEE BURP, the trilogy. New rule “No burping unless the windows are open and the car is moving a minimum of 5 MPH.” Reasonable.

You guessed it: KIM CHEE BURP in IMAX. Revised New Rule: “No burping unless the windows are open and the car is moving at minimum 35 MPH.”

Moral of the story… when seeing ‘”Vector Chicken”- Beer and Kim Chee are not your friends, but Coco will always be, as long as you are going over 35MPH.


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