Here is a newsflash for you… I’m easily irritated. Oh? That’s not new information? Sorry, my mistake.
Yesterday, I arrived home to find a “notice” on our front door. This notice to be exact:
I am not unfamiliar with the “door notice.” Usually, it comes from our schizophrenic UPS Man. I call him that because… sometimes he leaves stuff on the front porch. Sometimes he leaves a notice stuck to the storm door, indicating we need to call because he doesn’t want to LEAVE the package.
And sometimes, he, from standing at our gate, “javelins” our packages into our back yard. It’s pretty impressive as it’s, at least, a 12 foot throw.
And we don’t find them for several days and in a likelihood a dog has peed on it. (That’s MY property.)
I should note, my husband works from home and is- for the most part- HOME when the UPS guy comes. But he doesn’t actually knock on the door, and I’m convinced he tip-toes up to the house as neither dog seems to hear him- and these two can hear a piece of lettuce fall to the floor from a quarter of a mile away.
And another thing… every UPS man has brown hair and a brown moustache. It that a UPS requirement?
Anyway… where was I? Oh… the door “notice.”
Well, I was suspicious. For a few reasons.
A) It was not a UPS notice or a USPS notice- but it *kind of* looked like one- or like the DISTANT cousin of one.
B) I’m, generally, suspicious of anything that happens in my neighborhood.
C) There are always people walking around my hood taking surveys, trying to sell me Cablevision or electrical service, Jehovah’s Witnesses, etc.
Although, no one has tried to SELL me a Jehovah’s Witness… yet. But when they do, I am ready.
Ok, so getting back to this specific note. It indicates they have “Missed You.” And there is a “Phone Call Required for Information” and I “Must Call” to schedule.
So what all of this screams to me is: Bull Sh*t.
Is Bull Sh*t one word? I never know. Regardless… it is the stool of the Bull, I suspect. (Don’tcha just LOVE the word “stool?” It’s so clinical and vomit-inducing. )
Sh*t. I mean, Crap! I mean, STOOL! I keep getting distracted.
Now, I was curious but merely at my standard-operating level of irritation. However, I was, kind of, in the mood to mess with someone.
I open the door and dump my stuff down because, you know, I “Must Call.” I dial the number and am immediately am put “on hold” without any type of announcement. Like “Thank you for calling UPS” or “Hello, you’ve reached the ‘This is a ruse’ corporation.”
I listen to music and after a few minutes, a young woman picks up:
Me: Hello. I am calling regarding a ‘delivery notice’ left on my front door?
Them: What’s the Route Code?
Me: I’m fine, thanks, how are you?
Me: You need to Route Code? Uh… it’s not too easy to read- AG- maybe 102313?
Them: And what’s your name?
Me: You need my name?
Me: Ok. My name is Kristin.
Them: LAST NAME?!!?
Them: And your address is – <and then she read my address back to me>
Wait for it.
Them: Are you familiar with the electric company?
Me: The iconic 1970’s TV show on PBS? Yes, I am.
Me: Is this not the electric company to which you are referring?
Me: The electric company?
Them: GE. The Electric Company. GE? Have you heard of them?
Me: I have heard of AN electric company named GE.
Me: Ok. So what about GE?
Them: Well there is someone in your neighborhood who has an exciting gift for you.
Me: Reallllllllllllllllly? A GIFT? For meeeeeeee?
Them: <read monotone from a script> GEisrunningsomeveryexcitingpromotionsinyourareaandarepresentativewillcometoyourhometotalktoyou.
Me: They are coming to my home?
Me: That’s not really going to work for me. Can I swing by their place instead?
Me: Or they could just leave my present on my front porch.
Me: My “exciting gift.” They can just leave it for me. I don’t really need to meet with them.
Them: But a representative will be coming to your home.
Me: I am not interested in meeting a representative, I just want my “exciting gift.”
As an aside… I have a huge problem with the “gift with purchase.”
The bulk of my work experience has been in purchasing. I can’t even begin to tally the number of pens, calendars, mousepads, coffee mugs I have received- all of them sent in hopes of obtaining my “business.”
And all of them get tossed. And here’s why. I don’t want to business with someone who wastes money on crap. If you are SPENDING money on crap, that means you aren’t giving me the best price possible. So keep your crap and give me a better price. But, you’ll remember our NAME if you drink your coffee out of a mug with our name on it. If you give me a price break, pal, I PROMISE, I will remember your name… and you know how? Because it will be written on a bunch of checks I give to you for giving me your product at the best price possible.
Aside continued- the worst “gift with purchase” I have ever been offered is a loaf of French Bread from Lancôme. If I spent $22.95, they gave me a loaf of French Bread. Yes, you read that correctly.
I want to meet the genius that came up with THAT idea. And honestly, to execute this MUST have been a pain in the nards- because the bread was FRESH- so they had to have partnered with a bunch of elves to bake and deliver this bread on a daily basis for the duration of the promotion.
Them: “But if you spend $22.95, you get a FREE loaf of French Bread.”
Me: “I’m buying this mascara for $18.” (which I recognize to be ridiculous)
Them: “Oooooooh, you need to spend $22.95 for the loaf.”
Me: “So what do you have for $4.95?”
Them: “Well… nothing. <looks around> “But you can buy this eye pencil for $24.95.”
Me: “That’s a really expensive loaf of bread.”
Them: “Nooo, the loaf is free.”
Me: “Not really, if I have to spend an additional $24.95 to GET the free loaf. I can buy bread at the store for, like, $2.”
Them: “But it’s a free gift.”
French bread. Seriously. FRENCH BREAD. Erno Lazlo was giving away anal suppositories that day, free with a $55 skincare purchase.
Back to the GEnius.
Them: But you have to meet with them and if you sign up to receive electrical service through GE you could be entitled to an exciting gift.
Me: Wait. I COULD be? What does that mean?
Them: Well, if you qualify.
Me: What do you mean, if I QUALIFY? What is the gift? A Romanian orphan? A rare reptile that you need a license to keep? A hand gun?
Me: So what you are saying is- the delivery notice you left on my door was just a SHAM, you don’t ACTUALLY have a delivery for me.
Them: I didn’t leave anything on your door.
Me: Well the notice that was left on my door contained a telephone number, which I dialed, and now I’m speaking to you. The whole thing was just a SALES SCAM.
Them: I have nothing to do with it.
Me: How do you figure?
Them: I just type in the information and read what’s on the computer screen.
Me: Which has nothing to do with this?
Them: That’s right.
Me: Well since it has “nothing to do with you” as you say, may I speak to your supervisor? Maybe THEY have something to do with it?
Me: I’d like to speak to your supervisor.
Them: Oh? You’d like to speak to my supervisor?
Me: Yes, please.
Them: Hang on…
And she hung up.
Well. I’m guessing she must have felt she had a little something to do with it if she didn’t want me to talk to her supervisor.
All in all, I have to say, I’m disappointed. I barely had ANY fun and I didn’t even get my free gift.